Review: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood

      Comments Off on Review: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood

This. Hurt.

I had recently accepted a challenge to review a game that, first off, I didn’t think needed to exist and secondly, looked just as bad I thought it would.

Never in my life have I played such a cringe-worthy game . I don’t know if that one statement can truly capture the mental and emotional agony that I had to endure to get through this game for you, but maybe the next few paragraphs will.

Before I had even played the game, I could not fathom why it was made. As a gamer, I understand that it takes different strokes but really? For Kim Kardashian to somehow have a game made about her, because I know damn well she didn’t make it herself, and then for it to be recommended on Google Play was unbelievable. I saw it. It was real. I wish it wasn’t but it was. I didn’t want to soil my brand new phone with this abomination, but I had no choice.

As the game downloaded, I decided to look at what people were saying about the game. I didn’t think much about Kim Kardashian before the game so I wanted to get a little taste of what to expect. It will take a long time and lots of pot stickers to truly get that taste out of my mouth. Considering the money that I know  Kim Kardashian has, I am just assuming that she bought that spot on Google Play.

What spot did the game have, you ask?

6th.

Some freaking way this game was in the top ten recommended games for Google Play. I can’t expect much from people who review games on Google Play considering that most of the time the people are just giving five stars for the hell of it, which bumps really shitty games up for no reason. Saying that the game is “so freaking addictive” doesn’t  tell you much, if anything. Even if I wasn’t cringing at the sight of this game and I wanted to like it more than I did, going through the highest rated reviews and getting a sentence or two about the game did shit for me.

After that failed attempt, all I could do was go in blind (without lube, mind you) and just play the game. Opening sequence has you choose an avatar with a limited selection of hair and clothing items. You have the choice to randomize it and I took this option about twenty times until I at least got a black character.

If you couldn’t tell from the title of the game, the goal of the game is to become a popular A-List model. You do this by going to photo shoots, parties, and keeping up with your best friend, Kim Kardashian. It is a simple point and click game where most of the things you “want” to do require energy that regenerates over time. I wish I could get that time back, I really do.

Because you are the luckiest person in the world, you happen to be working the only available clothing store in this virtual Hollywood when Kim Kardashian asks if she can get a new dress because hers ripped. You obviously don’t mind bending the rules for celebrities and let her in, give her a new dress for free, and she invites you to a party she is going to.

Because that would totally happen….

Quite often you will have Kim talk about how you need a “momager”, or mom manager. I know what that is and I am glad the developers wanted to be clever and put something from the show in the game. News flash: It wasn’t and I wish she would stop mentioning it.

The game even lets you tweet the virtual tweets that are in the game to your actual twitter account. That’s just way too much to get into with a fake character. Aside from the name of your character, the first tweet will always be the same and you will have the same tweets going across your twitter feed because I am sure that you linked the game with your accounts so you could get more friends, so you could be more popular and level up faster.

I was asked to review a game. What I ended up reviewing was a torture program that will be scrubbed off of my phone and my mind.

Kim Kardashian: Hollywood – “You’re tacky and I hate you.”